Life is hard sometimes. That's about all there is to it.

Smarter, Better, Faster, Stronger

Today, as soon as I woke up, I went on my usual 3 mile run to Safeway. I've run this route probably 30 times in the past year, but for some reason this morning felt really different. Since my grandpa's funeral yesterday, I feel like I've been noticing him everywhere: when all the grandchildren released balloons into the sky and they all drifted toward the beach, when the older gentleman sitting next to me on the plane made small talk (which my grandpa would have done, because he could make friends with anyone), and a million other little things that just let me know that he's here.

Usually during my runs I huff and puff and struggle to get through it. And while I certainly walked a good portion, I felt stronger than ever before. At my grandpa's service yesterday, a couple people talked about how steadfast he was in Alcoholics Anonymous. He was always good for inspiration, and would never hesitate to take a new sponsee or a midnight phone call begging for help. I know I was inspired by this steadfastness and diligence to the task at hand. My shadow may have depicted a sluggish pace, but as I ran, I felt stronger, taller, and more empowered than ever before.

As sad as I am to see my grandpa Nick go, I am forever grateful that he's now constantly by my side helping me navigate through life.

It's called the happy list for a reason volume IV

Today I caught myself smiling, without any real reason. Maybe my new resolutions to be happy are working! I did all the things I set out to do, and not only do I feel accomplished, but I feel proud of myself. Here's a quick list of the things that made me happy today :) I encourage all of you (so really Kendall and Paige, because you're the only ones reading!) to start happy lists too! It's such an easy way to focus your energy on the positive. And it's fun to look back and remember what exactly I was talking about when I wrote certain things down (inevitably putting a smile on my face)...:)

<--This cute little card my best friend sent me! Isn't she the cutest?! I used to hate Valentine's Day but now I appreciate it because it is a day in which it's totally acceptable to tell people how much you love them.

Having a sunburn in February! I know it's no bueno for me, but a little bit of color on my skin immediately brightens my mood

Country music. Reminds me of home, high school, and summer. Such happy memories.

• My family. Above all things, I love my family. Without fail, my family makes me happy. I could not have been blessed with better people to call parents and sisters. Cheesy but true.

Hope your days were filled with sunshine and smiles! XO.

Today is a new day

This morning I woke up and I decided that I was going to be happy. I've done enough moping around the past couple weeks: making excuses not to go out, doing homework instead of just wasting time with friends, and spending far too much time stressing about things that don't actually matter (of course, I've been stressing about things that do matter too, but you get the idea). So, I've made some new resolutions to hold myself to, and hopefully I'll make some progress in the happy department.

• Spend more time outside. You know how health experts are always saying you should spend at least 15 minutes in the sun everyday? Well I have not been getting adequate Vitamin D lately, that's for sure (and my Casper-like appearance tells the whole world!), so today I did some reading up on the roof. The weather is far too gorgeous not to take advantage of, so I might go back up for a little more sunshine.
• Exercise and eat well. I feel so much happier overall if I feel good about my body, and eating healthy foods and exercising regularly make me feel stronger and sexier. Plus, exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands.
• Always have a non-school book to read. I am going to try to take breaks from schoolwork when I can. Right now I'm reading Anne Lamott's Grace (Eventually) and next up is Eat Pray Love.
• Write myself love letters. I got this idea from a Shape magazine article, and I'm going to start tomorrow by writing myself a card as a reminder of the things I love about myself.

Any other advice? I'm a work in progress.

Goodbye Grandpa

My grandpa in the Navy--probably circa 1950

Nick Radke was a good man. He was a lot of things to a lot of people--a father, a husband, a fellow 12-stepper, a rocket scientist, a patient--but I knew him in the role in which he truly shined: as a grandfather.

When I was little, there wasn't a birthday, graduation, or minor holiday that went by that he missed. He would travel all the way from Orange County, with a box of licorice for each of us, just to spend a few days with my family. Sure, he told a lot of bad jokes, and sometimes he talked too loudly, but what was most apparently obvious was that he cared, with every fiber of his being, about his grandchildren. We would sit and talk for sometimes hours at a time, and he never ran out of questions or advice for me. I remember when I was really really little I would always wake up at 5AM or earlier on my birthday, and I knew he wouldn't mind if I woke him up, so I'd knock on his bedroom door, and he'd come and open it and hand me my birthday present. It's those kind of smaller memories that meant so much, and I'll treasure them forever.

It's really weird to think that he's gone forever. I guess it'll sink in when I don't get the cheesy Surf City birthday card this year, or when he's not around for Thanksgiving. The funeral is Thursday, so hopefully I'll be able to find some closure. But for now, I'm left with the memories.

Happy Birthday Kendall!

Happiest birthday to my favorite 18 year old, my little sister Kendall! I hope your day is absolutely wonderful and I'm so sorry I can't be with you to celebrate. Love you to the moon and back!

just a baby and already she's disinterested!

One month in.

Top: the Campanile in the sunshine! Read why I love Berkeley so much here.

Middle: Some crazy citrus fruit I found in a family-owned market in Bakersfield. Appetizing?

Bottom: The main wall in my bedroom at home. Kinda cool, right?

January is officially over (Happy February everyone!), so I think now's a good time to evaluate my performance on my New Year's resolutions. Consider this a self-assessment of sorts.

1. Start and keep a blog-- Done! I've maintained pretty well, in my humble (and biased) opinion. In December I had absolutely no idea just how horrible January would be to me, so I'm grateful that I have this blog as an outlet for my frustrations/sadness.

2. Floss everyday-- Done! Now that I have my own bathroom in the sorority, it's so simple just to floss, brush my teeth, and wash my face without ever leaving the comfort of my room.

3. Get in shape and truly make exercise a part of my life-- I'm gonna rate this as half complete, because I don't want to jinx it. But I did finish a 7 day work out challenge today, and moved on to Level 2 of the 30 day shred.

4. Remind people how much I appreciate them-- Done! I am so so so happy to have such strong support systems around me, and I remind them just how grateful I am :)

5. Be the best leader I can be-- Certainly making every effort. I feel that I've been approachable, reasonable, and understanding in my first few weeks. But there's always room to improve!

6. Deep condition twice a month-- Done! And I got my hair trimmed! Double done.

7. Take every opportunity to travel-- In the month of January alone, I made three different trips to southern California. I'm seizing the opportunities that present themselves!

8. Update my happy list more regularly-- Done! I've been trying to write at least one thing everyday. And I made some excerpts of the list features on my blog! Here, here, and here.

9. Remember my 21st birthday-- Hasn't happened yet, but my half birthday is tomorrow!

10. Fall in love-- Negative!

11. Document everything with pictures-- Could definitely be doing better at this one, but I'm trying! (See above!)

12. Save money-- No, but I certainly haven't spent excessively. Okay, that's not being true or honest with myself. I haven't spent to my usual excess.

13. Read the newspaper while I drink my coffee every morning-- Need to work on this one!

14. Keep meticulous to-do lists-- Done! Unfortunately it feels as though I'm living my life by to-do lists right now.

15. Find something beautiful/meaningful in every experience-- I'm certainly trying! I know there is beauty out there, and I know that everything happens for a reason.