just in time for valentine's day, i believe in true love.

i'm quite the cynic when it comes to love. i often say (much to the chagrin of my mom and friends) that i'm never going to find anyone and that i'll wind up a crazy cat lady (i hate cats so this is just unrealistic anyway), but yesterday made me believe in true love like never before.

my mom's parents divorced when she was 11. my beloved grandfather passed away in february of last year. my equally beloved grandmother was diagnosed with leukemia in may. her prognosis wasn't good; doctors gave her through the summer at best. but like the warrior that she was, my grandma made it through the summer and the holiday season. she passed away yesterday peacefully, surrounded by her children and husband. february 6th, 367 days after my grandpa, her ex husband.

jane adelaide froman tiedeman was one of the best people i've ever encountered. she was independent, ferociously passionate about everything she did, and tremendously loving. she was also brilliant, and could offer the most perceptive advice even if she didn't know the whole story.

the short time since my grandfather died and my grandma got sick has given me the opportunity to consider what love is: what it means, what it looks like, and most of all, the power it has. i know that my grandparents loved each other up until the days they each died. maybe not in the same way that they did when they were married or when they fell in love in high school, but they did love each other. and that love makes me feel a little better about them passing so close together. i find solace in the image of them being together, watching down on me for eternity. i am grateful that i had them for 20/21 years, and i know they will continue to influence my life everyday.

true love always prevails.

"love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;

love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly;

it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,

does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

love never fails...but now faith, hope, love, abide these three;

but the greatest of these is love."

the end is near. and happy birthday kate!

"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."

today marks my last first day of classes as an undergraduate.

feeling a host of mixed emotions--pride that i have gotten this far, and anxiety about what is to come, but mostly a tremendous sadness that i will soon have to say goodbye to the best four years of my life, and to the people and place that have come to mean so much to me.

me on my very first day of college! the blonde was a poor life choice.

i can remember my very first day of classes like it was yesterday. i owre a bright yellow dress and a gold headband in my hair. i threw up before my first class, which in college terms would generally be the result of alcohol consumption, but in my case was just a touch of nerves. (i swear, i didn't even go out the night before class!)

college has been hard. my freshman year especially. but these past four years, i have found myself, and as cliche as that sounds, i truly mean it. that wide-eyed, hopeful freshman is still in here somewhere, but she has been mostly replaced by a strong, confident woman who has come into her own. i have endured painful heartbreak these past 3.5 years, but i have learned from every single minute. i am insanely grateful for the opportunities that berkeley has afforded me, and i cannot imagine having gone to college anywhere else. this is the place i belong.

my graduation is four months from yesterday. i know these four months will fly by, but i am making a conscious effort to enjoy every last minute. i am going to embody that tom petty quote above. college has been so good to me, and i want to make sure it knows how much i've appreciated it.

today is not only my last first day of classes, it is also my best friend kate's 22nd birthday! or, as we are calling all our birthdays this year, it's the first anniversary of her 21st birthday. we will be celebrating in our usual tuesday style tonight (taco tuesday, then kip's) and i cannot think of a better group of people to be spending the night with.

happy birthday kate!

on "winter" and the end of college.

Ah, the glory days. Summer 2011. I guess it wouldn't be too bad to welcome summer again.

In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer.

-albert camus

sometimes i get so wrapped up in winter that i forget summer will ever come around again.

not that i have much to complain about. california's current weather hardly qualifies as "winter."

but still.

it's dang cold

and my skin is not down for that chill on my face. helllllllo moisturizer!

my feelings are so torn about summer's rapid approach this year.

usually i ask for it, beg for the sunshine, tanlines, and juicy fruits and veggies.

i download a countdown app on my iphone

so that i can watch the seconds tick away toward three months of bliss.

but this summer,

summer 2012,

means real life.

no more waking up at noon already in my swimsuit and heading straight for the pool,

no more late nights watching the stars.

no more seemingly endless and hopeful weeks that seem to stretch on for eternity.

this summer means

a job

my own apartment

paying bills

and having to work on my birthday.

it means responsibility

responsibility

responsibility

and probably less fun.

with graduation looming before me, i am dreading the eventual arrival of summer. how bizarre is that?!

so for now, i am going to soak up every minute i can of this seemingly perpetual winter. i will embrace the coats and scarves, the frost on the windshield, and the piercingly brisk air. i will cherish the rainy days, long nights, and chapped lips.

i won't complain when the weather forecast doesn't read over 70 for weeks at a time. or when i have to trek to class in a coat and rainboots, only to arrive drenched in sweat from walking so fast.

this winter means college.

summer brings a new challenge,

one that i'm not sure i'm quite ready for.

yet.

i have 6 more days left of my very last winter break ever, and i intend to make every moment count.

this winter, i am digging deep for my invincible summer.

happy wednesday, y'all!

"make excuses, or make changes."

to say that i sort of fell off the blogging bandwagon would be quite the understatement. i started blogging because of the catchy pictures of cute outfits and adorable date nights with boyfriends/fiances/hubbys that i someday envisioned having. i wanted the glamorous lifestyle i imagined all these bloggers to have. but then i realized that's not why anyone blogs. sure, you can put together cute outfits, but you blog because you're confident with your body, style, and sense of self. or you and your adorable husband and dog go on precious hikes through the forest and you take photos on your nikon all along the way, but you blog because of how much you cherish and love those people and those memories.

i should blog because it makes me a better person. it challenges me to pick my words carefully, think of fun, creative things to do with my hair/clothes/room/life, and appreciate the good in others. the blog world is where i found the green monster, weight loss motivation, and so many uplifting stories during a time in my life when i really needed them.

last night i was watching the biggest loser (while running on the treadmill. talk about motivation), and in her little intro, the host said that it was time to "make excuses, or make changes."

i've decided that this year is a time for change. sure, resolutions are great, but i never stick to them. i don't want to overhaul my life (nor do i think i really need to), but i want to consciously make the effort to make small changes. and i think it will start with blogging.

so welcome to the new and improved happy list.

so glad you could join me.